The Many Annoying Companions of Link
by KVeronicaP
Summary: A strange take on how rude or annoying Link's companions in multiple games can be. Link must get rather irritated after several lifetimes of annoyance accompanying him in his adventures...


Hey, guys. Just as a quick disclaimer, I mean no offence to anyone's favorite characters. I love all of Link's companions to pieces (especially Fi); this is all intended for complete fun and relatability. I included a few times when companions were particularly annoying or even downright rude. Also has what Link's interactions and reactions might be. Some of these are straight from the game and others I more added in for comedic effect. Enjoy this 100% crackfic!

* * *

"Hello, Link! Wake up!" _What the...? I was literally _sleeping _in my bed. Is there no such thing as privacy anymore?_ "The Great Deku Tree wants to talk to you! Link, get up! Hey! C'mon! Can Hyrule's destiny really depend on such a lazy boy?" _Wow, to be honest, rude. And can you possibly use _any _more exclamation points in your sentences?_ "You finally woke up! I'm Navi the fairy!" (_Yep, she can.)_ "The Great Deku tree has asked me to be your partner from now on! Nice to meet you! The Great Deku Tree has summoned you!" _Yes, that's what you just said._ "So let's get going, right now!"

"OH MY _GOAWSH_!"

…

"You can open a door by standing in front of it and pressing A. Pay attention to what the Action Icon says. That's the green icon at the top of the screen!"

"Navs, did you really feel the need to tell me how to open a door? What incapable ignoramus do you take me for? Also, what the heck is a 'screen?' I'm beginning to think you're not even talking to _me _anymore…"

…

"Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! ..."

"Navi, I swear, if you don't shut up, I'm going to cram you into a bottle and shove you with my other stuff, you talkative flying ball of sparkles!"

…

_Ohmygosh, this poor soldier looks like he's injured. What's he doing in this back alley? Should I get help?_

"Unnngh… are you the boy from the forest…? The Princess was… waiting for a boy from the forest… that's you… She wanted to give something to the boy… Hurry… To. The. Tem - ple. Of. Time…."

… … … "He's not moving anymore!"

"Navi! Do you have _zero_ respect!?"

* * *

"I was planning on helping you… if you were nice. Eee hee! That's much better! You humans are obedient to a fault, aren't you? Oops! But you AREN'T a human anymore, are you? You're a beast! Eeh hee!"

_Well excuuuse me, _princess_! ...or whatever you are… Rude._

…

"Midna, there are three absolutely terrifying, scary black monsters which I think want to rip out our throats, but it's a good thing I have you here, huh?"

"So… You can handle this by yourself, can't you? Good luck! 'Bye!"

"Gee THANKS! Whadda _friend_!"

…

"Hmm! So these are the weapons you use in your world?" _Whoa! Stop swinging those around! Those are my hard earned weapons. I nearly got my ear bitten off by a hawk for those, okay? _"You really think this thing can slay the creatures of twilight?" _Wasn't this _your_ idea?_ "...Well, I won't use these, but I'll hang onto them for you!"

* * *

"Master, I picked up a highly interesting spike in dowsing readings from the creature you just encountered."

_It must have been… _"Zelda?"

"The probability of this life-form being Zelda is 5%, so I must conclude that this is, in fact, not Zelda but a peaceful forest creature known as a Kikwi. Kikwis are highly intelligent beings, capable of speech." _Well, the ability to speak does not make you intelligent… _"Upon further observation… clearly not Zelda." _Okay, I already got that._

"Fi, according to your calculations, the Kikwi has a 5% chance of being Zelda? Uhhhhh, I dunno about that 5%. It's pretty clear that thing was, like, _100%_ not Zelda. Is there any _doubt_ that it wasn't Zelda?!"

…

"Your hearts have decreased quite dramatically. Replenish some of your life at the earliest opportunity."

"I'M TRYING! It's bad enough I have an edgy, creepy "demon lord" who wants to slice me in two with a nasty looking sword! Find me a chair or something!"

…

_Ah, finally, that one Goddess Chest in the Bazaar is unlockable after so many other Goddess Cubes!_

"Master Link…"

"...What is it, Fi…"

"This treasure-chest-like object is a relic of ancient times, left by the goddess for her chosen hero. It would appear that each chest responds to the energy released when a specific Goddess Cube is launched skyward, releasing its lock mechanism. Search for the Goddess Cubes in the lands below and send them into the air. It is the only way to open these chests."

"Fi… I think you _just_ outdid yourself."

…

"Nayru's Flame has strengthened this blade, increasing its dowsing capabilities."

"Yup. Well, that was uh, a bit of a disappointment…"

* * *

"Link… Link…Wake up, Link!" _Shh, it's not time to get up yet. Sun's too briiight._ "Pull yourself together, Link!" _Sheesh… Wait, who put me on this tiny boat here? (Gosh, I have such a headache.) _"Well, Have you come to your senses yet? You are surprisingly dull-witted…" "HOLY HYLIA! A talking freakin' BOAT!"

…

"Well, that's a mouthful of a name. Wait, you said you were the King of Red Lions? As in the hotels? I heard once their rooms and quality are actually pretty decent. Wait, that doesn't make much sense. Wouldn't they would have a CEO or something? I wouldn't think they would have a _king _per se but whatever floats your boat… or uh, oh nevermind…"

* * *

"Oh, so this is your friend? She's looking a bit pale. Ooh, something isn't right with this girl!"

"DUDE! Linebeck, get your grubby mitts of my stone Tetra! Yeesh, show some _respect."_

…

"It's HER! Jolene!"

_"_Whowhatzit now?"

_"_She's CRAZY! She's crazier than a rabid squid! Way back, when Jolene and I were kids… Ah, forget it! No time for that story! Not when Jolene is gunning for our ship!"

"_WHAT!? _Linebeck, the hell'd you do? I didn't sign up for this! This wasn't part of our deal. You never said you had someone after your head_!"_

* * *

_Ah, a completely obvious lever that I must pull in order to continue in this dungeon. Whoops, Ezlo wants to talk._

"Do you see that lever? I think you should be able to _pull it_."

"... Thank you Ezlo. I, too, am confidant in my strength and in my ability to identify objects, thank you."

* * *

"Whoops, didn't mean to call you, Fi. I was just trying to take out my Goddess Harp… _conveniently._"

…

\- Configuring update for Windows 10 - 2% complete - Do not turn off your Slate -

"The hell…?"

…

"Ah, shoot. It's Jolene again."

...

"This corridor is all twisted!" _You don't say?_

…

"Ezlo, I swear I will swear if I hear one more obvious thing come from your beak."

…

"I collected all the Goddess Pearls. Now will you quit nagging me and leave me in peace?"

…

"Do you hear… squeaking, Link? Ayiiiiiiiiii! Oh, how horrible!"_ They're just rats, Zelda, sheesh. Don't freeze up on me._

…

"There are arrows painted on the floor!"

"Navi, please."

...

"Ah, shoot. It's Jolene… AGAIN."

…

"Master, the batteries in your Wii Remote are nearly depleted."

* * *

"OKAY! THAT'S IT! I'M OUT! You guys find someone ELSE to be the Hero! I cannot take another _minute_ of this anymore! Peace!"


End file.
